For many families, autumn brings up warm memories of cozy traditions that usher in several meaningful holidays.
We are bombarded with messages and ads about what holidays should look like: joyful family celebrations, nostalgia, candles in the window, and smiling conversations around beautifully decorated tables. However, when you are raising kids through adoption, foster care, or kinship care, you know that this season can also be overwhelming, painful, and stressful. Some families will tell you it is NOT the most wonderful time of the year! Parents and caregivers of kids who are impacted by trauma, prenatal substance exposure, or loss need practical tools to set their families up for success during the holiday season.
Why Do Kids Struggle During the Holidays?
You may notice that your kids experience heightened stress, anxiety, or emotional dysregulation this time of the year. They may not have words to talk about what’s going on inside, but their behavior changes or intensifies. The whole family is impacted.
Many factors contribute to changes in your child’s internal state and outward behaviors. In addition to the typical anticipation and hyped-up atmosphere our kids experience in school and the community, most families also experience significant changes to regular routines, expectations, input or stimulation levels, and diet. Birth family visits may play out differently this time of year. Schools shut down for winter break, significantly impacting how your kids navigate the season’s rhythms.
Changes in Routine Can Be Triggers
All these changes centered around this one season of the year can be significant triggers for your child. They may be consciously or unconsciously reminded of what they have lost. These reminders can be especially painful if those losses occurred around the same time of year as the holiday season.
However, even if your child cannot consciously remember their life or experiences before joining your family, changes to daily routine, school schedules, and social activities can increase anxiety and cause questions about where they fit, to whom they belong, and what happens next. This type of unpredictability and inconsistency is hard on a child whose brain and cognitive processing have been impacted by trauma, loss, or prenatal substance exposure.
Your child depends on a predictable routine during a regular week. While the holiday season activities are intended to be fun breaks from the norm, they also disrupt consistency for your child.
Changes Can Heighten Sensory Overload
At this time of year, holiday music is everywhere. Your home décor showcases all your favorite holiday treasures, knick-knacks, garlands, and lights. Neighborhoods are decked out with more colorful lights. The hallways at school are extra eye-catching. Favorite cookies and fancy side dishes appear at the table far more frequently than regular. And there are always special movies and television shows to watch.
While all these fun, once-a-year traditions and activities can be treasured and memory-making, it’s crucial also to recognize the overwhelm they may create for your kids. Then add changing bedtime routines, anticipation about coming events, and the increased pace of activities your family might experience. It’s no wonder kids often experience more meltdowns and anxious behaviors this time of year. Even kids who don’t typically struggle with sensory processing during the rest of the year can feel the overload and overwhelm of the season. Parents and caregivers need help balancing participation in cherished traditions while respecting and buffering children who struggle during the holiday season.
No matter which holiday your family observes, there are ways to use your traditions to help your kids feel anchored into your family’s identity. We can use these traditions to share the values and culture we cherish. But suppose your kids are anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed while doing the traditions. In that case, they will miss your messages and won’t enjoy themselves. These tips can help you set your whole family up for success so that you won’t just survive this holiday season but thrive together!
10 Tips to Set Your Family Up for Success This Holiday Season
Tip #1
Depending on your child’s age and ability to remember, check in with them to learn more about their traditions, cultural experiences, and memories. If they cannot recall or are not old enough, research them (maybe with the older kids) and plan how to incorporate some of those things into your family’s holiday experience.
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Tip #2
Be mindful that your child’s perspective on the holiday may change. They may present as inconsistent or “up and down” about the losses, their feelings about memories, etc. Try not to assume that they are consciously sabotaging the family experience. Instead, consider this might be a new or different level of processing their understanding of their story. Roll with it and offer a safe space while they work it out.
Tip #3
Avoid taking your child’s struggles or behaviors personally, especially during holiday activities. It will help if you try to shift your mindset and prevent yourself from assuming malicious intent. We talk often about moving from “won’t” to “can’t.” The holidays are a perfect time to practice this shift intentionally.
For example, try shifting from “My child is being selfish and wrecking Grandma’s big holiday meal,” to “My child is struggling right now and needs my calm to re-regulate.”
Tip #4
Be present with this child to gain an understanding of what they are struggling with or feeling anxious over. By building trust that you are safe and present in these moments, you can also hold healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for his behavior.
You can say, “I’m sorry you are struggling. This behavior is not (safe, respectful, kind, etc.). Can we take a walk together and work out these feelings more safely?”
Tip #5
Maintain your household’s basic routines as much as possible during the holidays. Of course, there will be some valuable exceptions to your usual schedule. Plan for these events, but keep the rest of your routine as consistent as possible.
When routines must change, give your child plenty of notice and adequate time to transition between activities. Talk about the changes, how they might feel while adapting, and what they can do to get help if the changes feel overwhelming. No matter your child’s age, equip them during these unusual activities with “safety valves” like fidget toys, a hand signal for help, or space to re-regulate.
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Tip #6
The suspense or anticipation of the holidays can feel delicious to many kids. However, it can also be triggering for a child who has experienced chaos, loss, or uncertainty. Ease your child’s mind by talking or role-playing through emotions that come up when surprises happen. Help them know what to expect, and if you sense that he has unrealistic expectations, help them identify those. Then, plan together to balance healthy and mismatched expectations better.
Tip #7
This is a challenging one for many parents. However, it’s a valuable tool for decreasing the risks of challenging behavior around gift-giving and receiving. Consider how to reduce the number of gifts that your child receives. Try to remember that too many things can be overwhelming and overstimulating. If reducing the quantity is a significant obstacle, consider how to stretch out the experience of opening those gifts. For example, they may open one or two a day during the whole winter break from school.
Consider also being creative with the type of presents you give. If you know that too much stuff is overwhelming and overstimulating, think of connection-building experiences you can do together, like a season pass to the zoo or a day at a favorite kid-friendly museum.
Tip #8
Try to incorporate lessons on the value of giving to others. Again, you can get pretty creative with teaching your kids to express care to others. Simple crafts, time with loved ones, and kid-baked treats can teach them the value of being present and sharing a part of themselves. Consider how your family can volunteer in your community or raise money to donate to a good cause. You will communicate your family values while stripping away some of the overstimulation of “stuff” from your holiday experience.
Tip #9
Remind yourself: “It’s okay to set boundaries and limits for our holiday experiences.” While some of your extended family, school community, or even case workers may not understand what you are trying to do, you must remember that you are the gatekeeper of your home. You can advocate for and implement what works for your family this year. You can apply this to gift exchanges, school activities, food or treats, and visitors.
Tip #10
We know. We say it often, and you might feel it’s “easier said than done.” But finding healthy, refreshing ways to care for yourself during the holiday season is crucial. You are a keystone in the foundation of your family! Much of the work of managing the routines, traditions, and activities rests on you while supporting your kids as they navigate these experiences. It’s hard work and can be consuming. You deserve to refuel yourself to maintain healthy boundaries and self-regulation to continue doing what your family needs.
Navigate with Flexibility!
Your family’s unique celebrations and traditions are excellent opportunities to teach your kids who you are as a family. When your kids feel overwhelmed or anxious during this season, you also may feel anxious about keeping up with your traditions. If you can work out how to participate in your favorite parts of the holiday season while being responsive and flexible to your kids’ needs, you can navigate this season more successfully, and your kids will feel valued.
This post was originally published by Creating A Family on November 14, 2024. View the original post here.
