Siblings get separated for many reasons when involved with the child welfare system. It could be a matter of available foster homes. Sometimes, one sibling must go into foster care, but another remains with the family. Other times, a sibling ages out of the foster system or was previously adopted before another sibling came into care. Still, other times, siblings may come into care simultaneously but are adopted by different families. While most foster professionals try to keep siblings together and avoid these situations, separation still happens. How can you support sibling connections for the children in your care?
Why Sibling Connections Matter
Sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting relationships we experience. They can be our confidantes, partners in mischief, and comfort in chaos. Additionally, kids who endure removal from their homes to foster care will often find solace and familiarity when they share the experience with a sibling. They can maintain a connection to their family’s identity and culture and continue building memories together that keep them connected and inform their identity.
We know that supporting connections between siblings, whether in a foster or adoptive placement, can benefit the kids. However, supporting these connections falls mainly on the adults in their lives. You should consider several factors when planning to support sibling connections if the kids are separated.
- Are you open to the effort and the emotional load that connection may require?
- Is communication between siblings even an option?
- Are visits an option? What other contacts can you consider if not visits?
- How close in age are the siblings?
- Did they have a deep bond before the separation?
- Do the siblings currently know that each other exists?
- Are the parents or caregivers of the other child(ren) willing to work with you for these connections?
Strategies for Maintaining Sibling Connections
There are strategies helpful for initiating and supporting sibling connect, but many of them depend on the adults in these children’s lives for facilitation and consistency. You must be confident that their sibling connection is essential for these kids. Here are a few things to consider when working out how to initiate and support sibling connections.
When Caregivers Disagree
Sadly, the caregivers of your child’s sibling may not be on the same page about the importance of their sibling connection. If you are facing this situation, consider how to engage in some honest conversations about your differing opinions. Be curious about why they feel unable or unwilling to support connection. If you cannot have those discussions, or they are reluctant to do so, consider sharing your contact information with them in case their circumstances or perspectives change. It’s always better to leave an open door than to burn a bridge, even if it’s painful and difficult to accept their standpoint.
Resources for talking to kids about adoption
When The “Best Interests of The Children” Differ
Additionally, recognize that sometimes it may not be in one child’s best interest to have contact with a sibling at this time. This does not mean a connection will never be appropriate, and you don’t have to see it as written in stone. The safety of all the involved children must always be paramount, but leaving space for healing, growth, and change should also be part of the conversations.
Again, the adults involved can collaborate to keep the lines of communication open. Then, if the situations change or the children want to reestablish a relationship in the future, the adults can assist.
8 Strategies to Support Sibling Connections
1. Find out who your child’s siblings are and where they are.
Make it a priority to ask your caseworkers for contact information as soon as you know this child has siblings. Quite often, the earlier the connections are initiated, the more likely they are to stay current.
2. Try to foster communication between siblings.
Encourage regular communication through phone calls, video chats, emails, or old-fashioned cards and letters in the mail. Building time for this connection into your family’s regular routine can look like “Picture/Letter Time” every Thursday after school or video calls on Wednesday nights before bed. Whatever works, try to help them stay connected and maintain a sense of closeness.
3. Maintain regular communication between adults.
Try to establish a relationship with the other parents soon after your child joins your home. When you reach out, express your belief that it would be best for the kids to have contact. Ask open-ended questions about how the other parents see this working out and be willing to dialogue, negotiate, and compromise to settle on a working plan that helps you all get started.
4. Try to share photos and life updates regularly.
Your efforts in this area will be critical if or when in-person contact is not an option. Consider your child’s age and understanding of the relationship. Try to give your child a voice in what to share, pictures to send, or experiences to share.
5. Whenever possible, try to plan sibling visits.
While geographical distance may complicate things, these in-person opportunities for your child and their siblings are beneficial. You might find yourself initiating first calls, texts, invites, etc., and you should work out how to be okay with that. You can start with easy invites for a sibling to attend your child’s sports event or school play. Suggest a playdate at a park between your families’ homes. If the other parents are comfortable, you could invite your child’s sibling for a sleepover. No matter the event, be sure to take plenty of pictures and share them with the sibling’s parents or caregivers!
6. Seek out and support the siblings’ shared interests.
They may be both good at basketball. Could you get them on the same team? Do they both have an interest in photography? You could offer to pick up your child’s sibling so the kids can take a photography class together. These shared interests and activities create a common ground that makes connecting easier for the kids.
7. Expand your definition of family.
Consider including your child’s sibling and their family in your family’s events. By including them, you help your child recognize that their sibling is family to you, too. Invite the sibling to birthday parties, send birthday gifts to the sibling(s), and include their family in your traditions and holiday gift exchanges. Intentionally look for opportunities to live a more expansive definition of family so your child and their siblings understand the value of these connections.
8. Recognize that having contact might not be in the sibling’s best interest.
Or having contact right now. Or that contact could be in the best interest of one child but not of the other sibling because that child may be processing life and trauma at a different pace. The other child’s caregiver or parents may not be in the same place of understanding or readiness that you are. One of the hardest things you may face is allowing the other family the grace of time to set what they see as necessary boundaries. No matter, try to always leave the door open for communication between the adults, with room to try later for connection between the kids if things change.
Resources for Managing Sibling Relationships
Keep the Connection Between You and Your Child Strong
No matter what level of connection your child and their sibling get to experience right now, remember that your priority is to make sure your child feels safe, secure, and cherished. When they may struggle with missing their siblings and feel big emotions around the absence of that relationship, reinforce the messages that they are valued and worthy of loving. When they are enjoying a connection with a sibling, rejoice with them and praise the great things you see growing between them and their sibling.
Intentionally nurturing a secure attachment between you and your child will be an excellent buffer for the ups and downs that will naturally occur in the connection between siblings who live separately.
This post was originally published by Creating A Family on February 27, 2025. View the original post here.
