Raising a foster child or the child of a loved one can be rewarding, fulfilling, …and exhausting. We’re talking about exhaustion where even your eyelashes feel tired. Children removed from their homes have experienced profound loss, emotional turmoil, and likely traumatic events that are challenging for their young hearts and minds to process. Raising this foster or relative child and helping them heal from trauma, neglect, or abuse is the most demanding work you will ever do. It helps to fill your parenting toolbox with various tools to equip you for the journey, including self-care.
What’s Preventing You from Taking Care of Yourself?
Before we discuss meaningful self-care for foster parents and relatives raising family members, it’s helpful to identify some common obstacles that may be preventing you from taking care of yourself.
#1: “I don’t have time for self-care.”
Many of you can identify with the frustration of hearing someone say, “Take good care of yourself,” as they smile and walk away. Hearing it likely leaves you feeling more stressed than before they tossed it over their shoulder. When do you have time for THAT?
You can feel your blood pressure rising while you mentally recite your (over-scheduled) calendar for this week at their retreating figure. You are still wondering when you’ll get to the grocery store and still make it to therapy at 5 on one side of town if flute lessons are over at 4:45 on the other side of town. The last thing you have time for is figuring out when and where to squeeze in some time to “take good care of yourself” (that you must also schedule and arrange childcare for!).
#2: “This child needs me too much.”
Many foster parents and kinship caregivers accept this responsibility of caring for kids in need because they are naturally generous and have caregiving personality types. You might be thinking you cannot take a break because:
- your foster child needs the consistent connection and safe landing place they’ve come to count on from you.
- you agreed to be this child’s primary caretaker when you agreed to welcome them to your home.
- your grandchild needs your presence and consistent guidance while they are grieving the separation from Mom or Dad.
Giving all of yourself to this child without a break feels like the right path forward. It’s what you signed up for. Asking for a break feels like taking the easy way out when this child has so much they need right now. Seeking self-care might even feel selfish and pampered.
#3: “I need to make this (moment, experience) perfect for this child.”
Closely related to the need to be a constant, giving presence for your foster or relative child is a desire to create new and wonderful “family” experiences. You may even feel an extra burden to make the very best childhood possible, to make up for the traumatic experiences they’ve endured so far.
Many resource and kinship caregivers can get caught up in making happy new memories: the biggest and best birthday parties, ideal family movie nights, shiny new bikes, cozy cookie-baking days, picturesque bedtime stories, and so on. Pursuing these idealized, perfect moments leaves precious little room in your schedule for a moment or ten to breathe, re-focus, and refuel yourself.
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#4: “I don’t have enough help.”
There are (with good reason) specific county or state requirements that licensed respite care providers must meet to provide help for a foster parent. Whether it’s babysitting for a night out or a weekend away to a family funeral, foster parents frequently report that it’s complicated to arrange respite care. When you are raising a relative’s child without the involvement of the child welfare system, it can be equally challenging to arrange childcare that is safe and reliable.
As a result, you are probably surrounded by other families in the same boat you are. It’s great that they are also generous-hearted, nurturing people who help you out. You all find ways to care for each other when a need arises. But the truth is that it usually means exhausted parents are helping other exhausted parents, and none of you are really getting the self-care that you need to keep up with the demands of raising your kids.
#5: “I’m so tired, I don’t know what I need.”
When you’ve reached the point of trying to pour from that empty cup, it’s tough to figure out what you need or how to re-fill that cup. It’s like being “hangry.” Your physical body is so empty, your brain is muddled, and every food suggestion sounds both wonderful and awful.
Do you need a date night with your spouse? Do you need to clear the calendar and get away as a family for the weekend? Sometimes, what you really could use the most is a training seminar on trauma behaviors for new fuel in your cup. All of these ideas sound wonderful. But they also sound like so! much! work! When your cup is empty, it’s hard to determine what will fill it best.
You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup
We don’t love trite platitudes, but the adage, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” is apt here. Your foster or relative child is likely running around with their own empty or draining cup. The trauma and loss they experienced before coming to the safety of your home are cup-drainers. From their own dry or draining cup, they act out and behave in ways that feel like they are tipping your cups right over onto the carpet! These challenging behaviors are attempts to meet their own needs but are also likely to drain life out of you. What you do when you feel that happening will make all the difference for you and them.
How Do I Find the Self-Care I Need?
Take heart! We would never leave you hanging or withhold practical ideas for adding add self-care to your parenting toolbox.
Try a Few Online Resources
Self-care for foster parents and relative caregivers can be a very subjective topic. What soothes and refreshes you might not be meaningful to another. In fact, your self-care might make another caregiver feel like one more task has been added to their to-do list.
The good news is that there are resources that help you assess your needs and how to employ self-care that can meet those needs. One such tool is an assessment and curriculum like the Trauma Systems Therapy for Foster Care (TST-FC) from The Annie E. Casey Foundation (AECF®).
TST-FC’s self-care assessment allows foster parents to develop plans to support themselves. The assessment measures both strength and potential growth in the following areas:
- physical self-care (e.g., diet and exercise)
- psychological self-care (e.g., reflection and curiosity)
- emotional self-care (e.g., friends and recreation)
- spiritual self-care (e.g., prayer and meditation)
- workplace self-care (e.g., breaks and workload)
A similar resource is this downloadable pdf, Taking Care of Yourself: Tips for Foster and Resource Parents, from the Center for the Study of Social Policy. This guide will prompt you to think through what care you and your family need and where to get more education in 5 key areas:
- Resilience
- Social Connections
- Knowledge of Parenting and Child Development
- Concrete Support in Times of Need
- Children’s Social Emotional Competence
A third online resource is our newly redesigned resource page, Self-Care for Parents and Caregivers. Here, you will find our most current, expert-based content, including podcasts, articles, books, courses, and more, with practical ideas, fresh perspectives, and encouragement.
Ask the Professionals
For foster families, the child’s caseworker can provide information and support about agency events or resources for respite, training, and self-care suggestions. Many caseworkers keep updated lists of local, approved respite providers. Specifically, inquire about approved continuing education classes, weekend retreats, and seminars.
If you are raising this child without involvement from the child welfare system, check with school guidance counselors, pediatricians, mental health providers, and leaders in your faith community. Ask about babysitters, parenting classes, and retreats. Get their suggestions for how to build a “village” around your family to help you have time and space to care for yourself, including connections with other relative caregivers in their circles who get what you are facing.
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Build Your Village
Finally, it’s important to intentionally gather a supportive community around your family. Many agencies offer in-person foster parent groups, which can be excellent places to find your people. If your agency doesn’t offer a group like this, consider sharing this link with them for their consideration.
You might also find folks for your village at school events, faith communities, or community clubs. Look for other foster parents or grandparents raising grandkids and invite them for coffee. Putting yourself out there might feel like extra work on the front end, but the benefits will help carry you later and bring great value to your experience. We cannot do this journey alone; gathering the proper support around you will make a huge difference for each of you.
In addition to in-person support, online groups are becoming increasingly common. These groups bring great value to resource parents or kinship caregivers, especially if safe childcare is needed. These online communities are also good because they offer wider availability, and you can almost always find someone from the group who can either commiserate with you or offer you their own experiences and solutions for insight.
Don’t forget that CreatingaFamily.org hosts an online community with a wide range of experienced foster and relative caregivers and former foster youth. Their voices can lend fantastic support to your experience, and you’ll never feel alone there!
This post was originally published by Creating A Family on May 30, 2024. View the original post here.
