The holiday time is finally upon us and I’m excited/dreading it.
Last year was so different for me. I was pregnant and seemingly alone. I had very little support once some of my family members found out I chose not only adoption but open adoption. (We had that lovely debate on Thanksgiving.) Birth dad wasn’t in the picture so it was so hard dealing with all of my feelings alone.
Thanksgiving is around the time that I announced my pregnancy to family and started to get close to Olivia’s parents. It was the worst holiday of my life. I get why the suicide rate is so high this time of the year. The holidays are meant to be filled with joy, with family.
Fast forward to a year later and it is different for me but some of the pain is still there. Instead of feeling guilt, shame and sadness for this unborn child, I’m missing this almost 9-month-old gorgeous baby. It is her first Christmas. Everyone my age is announcing pregnancies or having babies and it absolutely kills me sometimes. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes we really don’t understand why God puts us through trials. I still question why I’m the one that got pregnant. Especially in November with the holidays rolling around and adoption month. I see pictures of Olivia and her mom and I get jealous because they both look overjoyed and here I am trying to piece my feelings back together even after 9 months. I cant wait until things really do get easier because post adoption grief is HARD.
BUT on the other side of the coin I’m so grateful and thankful that Olivia is loved and as happy as she is. I’m grateful that I do get to experience holidays with her. My whole extended family and I had the absolute pleasure having a family Thanksgiving two weeks ago. And in three short weeks I will be going to see her again for Christmas. Olivia’s parent’s do not owe me that. They do not owe me anything. And the adoption paperwork says they can cut me out at any time. But they include me and I’m so thankful for that. I’m thankful they see me as an extended part of their family and not just a birth mom. Despite my sadness and despair I think everyday that adoption was to Olivia’s benefit. Her little “toofy” smile shows that I made the right decision and I have to rest in that. This year’s lessons has brought me many things to be thankful for so I should just focus on that. At the end of the day it is about Olivia and not me. And knowing that is what gets me through.
If you find yourself in a really hard position this holiday do not give up. Think of your blessings and surround yourself in them. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. This trial might be what you need to shape you into who you are. To change your life for the better. So focus on the positive and reach out to your support system when you need it!